Good morning! What a joy it is to be here with all of you today, and what a joy it is to be together!

We are in full summer mode here at Reservoir marked by this 10:30am service and also from a preaching perspective we also shift a little bit for the summer.  We organize less around a topic based 6-8 week sermon series, but instead preach out of a grab bag of scriptures or what many Christian traditions call the Lectionary — an assigned assortment of readings for each day. And last week Pastor Lydia kicked us off with this, and preached from the scriptures of Galatians. And I’ll follow today with some continued insights from Paul,  the author of Galatians, that he offered to early churches, and that through the inspired work of the Holy Spirit are still very potent for us today. 

To Cherish — Soccer Nights

First though – I want to pause and give thanks to some folks in the room for the experience of Soccer Nights!   If you’ve been around even a tiny bit here at Reservoir – you’ve probably heard us mention this free soccer camp that we offer for 200 or so kids in the greater Cambridge area.  We just concluded on Friday our 12th year of soccer nights!

And I was just struck again by the enormity of what it is to pull off a feat of organizing 200 kiddos, with equipment and snacks and demonstrating drills, CORI checks, and hospitality tables and communication, and little kids entertainment and logistics and hosting side events like volunteer soccer games – or moms soccer games and icecream and organizing crew and all the while not losing one kid!

Is just heroic, and it’s due in great measure to the 100 or so volunteers that helped Soccer Nights be a place of beauty, of safety, and to really showcase the vitality/richness and spirit of humanity coming together.

This is my 2nd year of preaching at the end of Soccer Nights. I’m so grateful for that!  I realized that it also coincides with my kids first full week of no school. Where each year, I purposefully do not sign them up for any structured programming to give them a little break. I think I imagine such a beautiful, peaceful scene of us being alongside one another, where my kids read book upon book upon meaningful, life-enriching book, and I pound out great work and perhaps a content-rich sermon.

And then I realize, “Oh my goodness that is completely delusional!”  That has never happened! I don’t know why I don’t go back into the resources of my memories to grab concrete data there.

Don’t get me wrong – it was still lovely time with my kids – just totally different than that picture! 

So as the week ticked on this past week, I got a little nervous as to how exactly I would find at least a couple of hours for words to hit the page in a slightly coherent way!

And about mid week, right before I walked on the field,  I was like alright Jesus we need to talk about this, and I felt pretty quickly a nudge from him to just relax a little (not in a condescending way – but just an invitation to relax INTO God).
As I walked onto the field, Coach Michaiah (Pastor Michaiah to many of you),  led us in warm-ups and stretches. 

She instructed us to do this cross-arm stretch..

And as I did, I looked up at the sky, which was brilliant blue, and the myriad of cloud formations,  and I felt a surge of peace. 

And then Coach Michaiah said, “give yourself a little hug”…

And I totally got teary……it felt like a physical invitation from God, “Do you accept the love I have for you, right now?  ALL the LOVE I have for you”.

With this rush of God’s love – shifted something in me and allowed me to relax and be present to the time with my kids and to the kids on my team at soccer nights, and to release worry about content for my kids entertainment in their days,  or for a sermon.

And it was such a simple moment, but a powerful one that felt like God’s message to me was: “Embody the gospel, Ivy.” Like, “take this seriously,  keep your eyes on what the good news really entails — you know, the content of your days, of your life – of sermons – is not an assignment or an obligation to fulfill. The content is found in being present, through your lived experience of touching, feeling and seeing me through the people that you encounter in your days. That’s the simple and potent gospel right there.”

And so this morning, I invite you into a simple reflection throughout this time – of where you will touch, feel and see Jesus this summer.

My Grandmother, Love, and Lotion

My experience of Soccer Nights opened up for me a lot of memories of the centrality of what it is to love and LIVE with Jesus — why HIS story actually matters to me. 

For 2 summers in my high school years,  I spent nights at my grandmother’s camp on a pond, roughly 2 miles or so from my house.  And from my earliest memory of her, she was always in a wheelchair. She had Multiple Sclerosis – and in my high school years, the disease had progressed enough that she couldn’t use her arms or hands, so independent movement wasn’t on the table for her.

I spent the nights with her to assure her that someone else could help, should she need it.   I made sure all the electrical appliances were unplugged, the coffee maker, the toaster – her fear of being caught in a fire was paramount.  And on some mornings, after the nursing aide would come in and help her into her wheelchair, I would push her down the front ramp of the house, up to this tiny patch of sun – that broke through the cover of these tall, pine trees.

She’d delight in the warmth of the sun, turning her face upward. And I’d sit alongside in a chair, making braided chains out of pine needles — a pretty peaceful and serene setting, but what I felt was a lot of dissonance.  Internally I was wondering at what point it would be less rude for me to leave. 10 minutes? 30 minutes? I remember being wracked with impatience and wanting to get to a friends house, and to be honest a little angry about it all.

On one of those mornings where I hadn’t retreated yet, she asked me if I wouldn’t mind rubbing some lotion onto her legs. 

And I remember internally freezing.

This ask — this specific display of need, this request for touch, for intimacy — made me feel embarrassed and entirely awkward.  It was a distinct request that broke pattern from our usual way of relating, watching soap operas together, or sitting in the yard, or waiting for the nurse to come.

I knew it would shift our relationship, it would create a different connection, it would in fact be a display of love, and of deeper, tender care then had yet been evident.

And I didn’t know from where that vulnerability would come from within myself.

So I just kind of slathered some lotion on and rubbed it in really quickly and then took the bottle of lotion inside the camp. 

Perhaps this resonates with some of you. Maybe there’s been someone you’ve known for a really long time with one particular lens, or one particular way of engaging.

But often something shifts, right? The full humanity of a person may start to break through, whether it’s in vulnerable need, or weakness, or a flaw you had never seen.

And there’s a new thing out there between you and this other person. 

And to touch that, you will have to recognize the fullness of your own humanity.  Which requires us to identify and accept that we too, have pain, weaknesses, wounding and fears. 

This is so vulnerable because it gets us in touch with our deepest needs and desires, “What we’ve been looking for,” to be loved.

That is exactly what I had been looking for with my grandmother for so many years – LOVE.   I could look at her and see a sign, in bright lights above her that said “GRANDMOTHER!” – and I knew I was supposed to feel something special but I didn’t know how to get there – how to experience that love with her. 

In her request to rub moisturizer on her legs – I think I knew this was the way.  But the admittance was hard, because to touch, to feel and to really see was so unknown and scary to me.

I want to start with a little warm-up scripture (it’s not in the lectionary), but one that I think opens up and holds together all of what we are thinking about today. So here it is on your program in John.  We see John the Baptist, one who has been making way for Jesus — teaching and calling people close to listen to who Jesus is.  Here in this scripture we see the long awaited Jesus appear on the scene:

John 1:35 -39 (NRSV)

35 The next day John again was standing with two of his disciples, 36 and as he watched Jesus walk by, he exclaimed, “Look, here is the Lamb of God!” 37 The two disciples heard him say this, and they followed Jesus. 38 When Jesus turned and saw them following, he said to them, “What are you looking for?” They said to him, “Rabbi” (which translated means Teacher), “where are you staying?” 39 He said to them, “Come and see.” 

What an interesting question Jesus poses to these 2 disciples … 

“What are you looking for?”

Do you know who you are following?

Why is that you following me?

I think this question of Jesus’ is him trying to suss out where the disciples hearts are at. Are they just looking for a sign that says “JESUS is HERE!” – or are they looking for relationship? They could have answered Jesus’ question “What are you looking for?”, by saying:

“Well, JESUS you are the Lamb of God!…John just said so!”

…and Jesus would have said, “and what are you looking for in that?”

“Well we know that the law was given through Moses; but it’s said that truth and grace would come through you”

…and Jesus would have said, “and what does that mean to you?”

“Well, you are the one and only Son,”

….”and WHY does that matter to you?”

“BECAUSE!  You are the one who is himself God and is in closest relationship with the Father…You are, God’s Chosen One…..”

…and Jesus would have asked again, “and what does that mean for you? WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?”

It matters to Jesus what we are looking for, in Him, and he will ask us again and again!

This question of Jesus’ forges a relationship with these 2 disciples. It’s a question he asks us today that we all might answer in a myriad of ways.  We all have our reasons for prioritizing a life with Jesus, of why it matters that we too, are part of the story, but maybe at the deepest baseline is the truth that we are ALL LOOKING for LOVE — for relationship where we can believe that we are loveable and capable of loving.

It is the question that envelopes and breaks open the disciples hearts to not just stand outside of Jesus and read a sign that says, “LOOK! The lamb of God”  but one that draws them into a reflection of what they long for, what they desire with Him.

The first day of Soccer Nights this past week,  I said to my team, Super Flash

“Hey guys WE ARE GOING TO SCRIMMAGE in a few minutes!!”

And before I could even finish the kids went wild — jumping, cheering, falling on the ground (and all over each other), with excitement…  and then one kid boldly asked, “what does scrimmage mean?”    

And then all the others say, “yah, what does that mean?”…  

They knew they were suppose to love it – but hadn’t ever experienced it.

Oh, right!  “Come and see” – “come and see” I’ll show you.

It is easy to flash words and sentiments without considering why it matters to us and how we are going to live it out:

“LOOK! HERE IS the LAMB of God”

“Look! Here is the kin-dom of God”

“Look I love Jesus”

“Look, here is our church that says “All here are welcome!”

They are hollow words, about God, about LOVE, without the backing of an embodiment of them in our hearts – our actions, our presence, our words , our communities, our charters, our visions, our boards.

Jesus wants us to get this, to embody the gospel  – but HE KNOWS that it will be hard for us!

And I think that’s why he poses this very tender question to the disciples:  “what is it you are looking for?” And how do the disciples respond?  I think it’s a really great one. At first blush it feels a little bit too literal, but they say:

“Show us where you live.”

Show us a little bit more of who you are. It’s one of the first questions I’ll ask of someone new, “oh so do you live nearby?”

It’s an entrance into getting to know someone more … to see the setting of what they touch, and feel and see … and the surroundings that make them more relatable and human.

Jesus says, YES! YES! COME and SEE Jesus says.  “Come and see..where I live”!

And my goodness, what a journey they would be on – Come and see: lepers, tax collectors, religious authorities, widows, orphans, ostracized, marginalized, adulterers, children, the blind — “This is where I live and love.”

It’s really important that we see where Jesus lives – because that’s where we too, will find what we are looking for — love and relationship, through touching, feeling and seeing all that is in our path.

The embodiment and presence of Jesus’ love in all of our lives is not just a holy sentiment ..  it is a heart-wrenching, challenging and vulnerable path necessary for our own growth and transformation.   To love one another as we love ourselves – is the only way we tap into the transformative love of Jesus.  Because when you love people, you want to be with them, you want to be together – there is no obligation – only freedom. 

Which is why Jesus is saying, this whole thing, this whole gospel has to hang on Love.

Paul, the author of Galatians, speaks about the transformative power of God’s LOVE here on your program in Galatians:

Galatians 5:13-25 (NLT)

13 For you were called to freedom , siblings; only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for self-indulgence, but through love become slaves to one another. 14 For the whole law is summed up in a single commandment, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” 15 If, however, you bite and devour one another, take care that you are not consumed by one another.

16 Live by the Spirit, I say, and do not gratify the desires of the flesh. 17 For what the flesh desires is opposed to the Spirit, and what the Spirit desires is opposed to the flesh; for these are opposed to each other, to prevent you from doing what you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not subject to the law. 19 Now the works of the flesh are obvious: fornication, impurity, licentiousness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, anger, quarrels, dissensions, factions, 21 envy, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these. I am warning you, as I warned you before: those who do such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

22 By contrast, the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. There is no law against such things. 24 And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.  

This is the life I’m looking for – the life of the Spirit.  Paul says, “let’s make sure that we don’t just hold it as an idea in our heads or a sentiment in our hearts, but work out its implications in every detail of our lives”. (5:25, MSG – Euguene Peterson)

And the implications are hard – when we confront real life, right?  We get hurt, we get wounded, we want to retreat to our own devices.   This is where Paul warns us – we face danger – where we bite and devour one another.   When we separate and disconnect from from the universal source of goodness that is found in the deep love of God.   That’s when we start to hide our weakness and our pain – and further disconnect from those around us.

During Paul’s lifetime, the church was not yet an institution or structural grouping of common practices and beliefs. The church was a living organism that communicated the good news of Jesus, through relationships…(Richard Rohr)

He speaks from his own profound transformative experience of Jesus’ love…  Once a persecutor and murderer of Christians, one who presided over the execution of the disciple Stephen….. To one who was totally transformed by the love of Jesus.  Love that threw him to the ground and brought new sight to his life and all that he touched and felt and saw.  All because Jesus came to him and told him again and again, “You are loved”.   It’s transformative. 

And thank goodness because,  relationships are REALLY hard.  Even with tiniest of humans.

Soccer Nights Kiddo

I got to coach 1st and 2nd graders this past week at Soccer Nights.  And we had one challenging little human on our team. Who with each passing night seemed to up the ante in personally (I felt),  testing the fruits of the spirit in me. This kiddo would rage and smash their body into their teammates, this one would punt the ball as far as possible across the field,  they’d destroy anything that had been meaningfully picked up at the end of the night.. And I just thought, “holy cats! This is going to be hard.” 

And I so badly wanted to break connection with this kid.  And as I entertained what that could look like — to just let this kid run wherever they wanted to, to convince myself that it wasn’t worth it to work that hard for one kid, to just not give a care, I could feel the rising anger in myself, the self-indulgent posture of elitism, of hatred really.  But mercifully with that stretching moment with Coach Michaiah – where I was FLOODED WITH THE LOVE OF GOD – I felt like, “OH, I can be present to this kid, I can deal with his anger and hurt, because I can see, and feel, and recognize this hurt and rage and pain in MYSELF.  I have the same stuff.
And no it’s not worth it to work so hard to keep a kid in line, but it is worth it to work that hard to LOVE (this kid). And so I will run the length of the field to find this child, and hold his hand tenderly and fold him back with our team.

Our interior landscape holds a lot!  We all have violence in ourselves, depression, not being able to access our real emotions/feelings, tendencies to isolate and be defensive. But I think Paul is saying as you stay connected to the source of Jesus’ love,  this can help you work on discovering the origins of where it all comes from and see how that energy can be transformed, and greet the fruits of the Spirit. And this is meaningful, not just with the goal of changing or Fixing ourselves, but because it allows us to stay connected as we see it in others, and this connection is where transformation is afoot!

Learning to Cherish

Over time with my grandmother and many opportunities to put lotion on her legs.  We grew in vulnerability and connection and relationship with each other. I heard more about her days.

The feelings of embarrassment and impatience still rumbled, but not as loudly as the Spirit’s gifts of kindness, generosity and patience. Again and again, Jesus whispered to me, “Come and see. This is important, Ivy”

“Come and touch these legs that once were strong and bent as a midwife along mothers who labored”

“Come and feel what it is to believe that you are a burden and helpless”

“Come and see what it is to live a life with a terminal disease”

And in those times – I was thrown to the earth as Saul was, with the crushing love of Jesus. I learned to cherish, to look up at the sky as my grandmother did, to look for Jesus in those I wouldn’t normally see. And I learned that it wasn’t about giving or doing things for my grandmother.

But I learned,  it was in THE WAY I gave her water and THE WAY I touched her body with lotion..

With respect.

With love.

With honor.

… because her body was the temple of the Holy Spirit and because Jesus lived within her. (Jean Vanier, 81)

The fruits of the Spirit matter – and can only be found and demonstrated in relationship, with other people.  We can’t be more loving on our own.. It’s really easy to be peaceful by ourselves … It’s really easy to be patient when we don’t have to deal with actual people… right?

 But Jesus calls us out – to live with others, to show us that we need each other to find these fruits of the spirit –  and live as if HE is actually alive!

The healing, the love, the transformation that is in Jesus – is also in us.

So may we embrace:

•  the chaotic, beauty and whimsy of life – like on a soccer  field
• And may we under-gird all of our actions and words with generosity and humility.

• May we administer moisturizer,  slowly and intentionally on the areas of our lives and others that are parched for nutrients and tenderness.

• May we seek justice, may we love mercy

• May we comfort those who suffer, who hurt – because we ourselves do too.

• And may we celebrate and give thanks to JESUS  who cherishes us ALL – always and forever.

I invite you to let the Holy Spirit be your guide this summer…

Invitation to Self Reflection

Take time to reflect on Jesus’ question to you, “what are you looking for?”

 Pay attention to what rises up for you – desires, longings challenges or blocks?   

And keep your senses engaged to notice when He says:  

“Look! Here’s love!” (in the safe touch of someone you know well )

“Look! Here’s love!” (in a stranger, a doctor, tenderly putting a cast on a child)…

“Look! Here is what you are looking for!”(as the clouds reflect off the water at Walden Pond)…

“Look! And here it is……..and here it is!”

…AND here I am!”

“Here’s where I live!”…  

“In the expanse of your whole life”.

“Come and see”.. And then….

“Go and touch, and feel, and love”. 

Because this is how all will know that you are my disciples, by the love that you have for one another.” (John 13:35).

Spiritual Practice of the Week

Imagine Jesus as your guide this week, saying “come and see!” as you touch, feel and see Jesus wherever you are.

Invite people to stand.  

*a sermon inspired by the great work and life of Jean Vanier.  In particular his latest book, “We Need Each Other”. 

On Sunday, 12/30, we used the sermon portion of our service as a time to look together as a community at the spiritual reflection Reservoir published this fall. The below text is a modified version of the guided reflection given by Ivy Anthony.

As you read through the reflection, feel free to peruse the electronic version of My Life With Jesus, or print it out to follow along and fill out.

Introduction

It’s such a joy to be here with all of you today!  Kids and youth, all of us gathering to spend the last Sunday of 2018 together. We’ve almost made it—almost made it to the end of 2018! Today’s question of the day gave you a second to name a few things that have been favorable and maybe less favorable for you over the last year. And so for all the ways that making it to the end of 2018 feels like a significant triumph for some of you—and for some of you less so—we still have made it!

At our dinner table last night I posed this question of the day and the descriptor that rose to the top was “adventure”.  So congratulations! Because no matter which way you spin it 2018 has been an adventure— we have traveled far in 2018, all the way around the sun!

It’s jarring to look back at all the certainty that has happened—concrete experiences, felt emotions—And then to turn to 2019, this vast year of unknown ahead of us.

And it’s this time of year—the end of the year—when we look out at the horizon of 2019 with so much of the unknown ahead of us—so many days to unfold—where we don’t know what they will look like or what they will entail. And so we start to name and form some certainties that we can enter the year with—this is where “resolutions” come in!

And for so many these resolutions are so helpful—an opportunity of new beginnings, of hope, (from what we are turning from perhaps in the last year).

For me though, this time of year—on the cusp of a new year—often creates a little more anxiety than excitement. I haven’t often been great at making resolutions and even “Less great” at “sticking to” resolutions. And yet it goes deeper than the resolutions, I think. It’s not really about drinking more water or stretching more, or spending more time with God. Those are all great, but it’s that I’m daunted by the picture/the image of myself that I hope to turn into because of those things.  That there’s a time-stamp to it—that at some distant horizon in 2019,some 8 weeks or 6 months in, I’ll be a newer, better, more glistening version of myself.  

Much of my life, I’ve realized, actually has been a series of trying to reach that glisten—that distant glow—where I’ll arrive at  my better self.

I don’t know if this is true for you or not, but I remember as a young kid dreaming of a time ahead, just out of reach, a glistening edge of life’s landscape ahead of me: what it would be like for instance, when I finally reached the age of 16—“Oooh, I’ll be such a “cool” version of myself”  – I’ll have my license, be driving and experiencing more freedom, and maybe a taste of what it is to be in new love, innocent love…

And once I hit 16, there was a lot less “glisten”.  I realized that having my license meant more responsibility and carting my brothers around and doing errands and evidently getting a lot of milk from the local convenience store.

And so I’d find myself dreaming of what it would be like to be in my young adult years, moving out of my parent’s ((cold)) house, partnered with someone I adore fully and who adores me fully, where answers to questions of heart-ache, and loss of innocence and how to keep my head above water and out of the tangles of anxiety would be apparent.

And of course reaching that horizon – and realizing there wasn’t much of a glisten there at all.  

And so it goes. I’m 41, an age by which my younger self would have told me I’d have a large cache of  wisdom and groundedness in my being with all the life and experiences I’ve lived, where I’d have more answers in my back pocket than questions, an age where I thought I’d “do” relationships better than I am and where I’d find my strong, unwavering voice and where I could balance the harried-ness of life with large swaths of graciousness, and patience and understanding dealt to all those around me at every turn.

Alas—my younger self would be disappointed.

But I am not.

My younger self would hope that I’d have arrived at some magical point of life.

I haven’t arrived.

But I am here.

And you are here.

And that matters.

And that just might be the glistening horizon.  We might be sitting in it right now. Each other’s glow – with Jesus’s light refracting off of all of my hot messy self, just as I am.

This is where glistening happens.  With the fullness of ourselves—just as we are—and with the fullness of God just as He always is.

And so this is really what our service will be about today, what I’m inviting you into deeper today—yes, time to be with God and time to reflect with God— time to sit in the glisten.

We are going to take some time in this service today to interact with the spiritual reflection in your hands. This reflection, if you can think of it as such, is actually a guide of how to glisten and how to keep glistening in the New Year.

I’ll make space for 3 different areas of reflection this morning: Just how are you experiencing the love of Jesus these days?—What are the spiritual practices and ways that you feel like might be enlivening that love of Jesus (or not). What about the joy of living—does that sound like an apt descriptor for your life right now? How about community—what ways are you feeling connected? And what ways are you hoping for more in any of these areas?  You won’t be asked to share any of these reflections with anyone this morning in service, but at the end of service you will have an opportunity to let us know if you’d appreciate talking with a trained leader or pastor on staff more about your reflection.

I encourage you that, while reflecting can feel void of movement, that we are just pausing time, it actually is an incredibly potent and effective tool. It allows you and God together to probe your soul.
It’s for the discovery of your own soul—what YOU are here on this earth for! It’s for the glisten!

Richard Rohr says “Your soul is who you are in God and who God is in you.”  Right?!  We do not “make” or “create” our own souls. We awaken them, allow them, and live out of their deepest messages.

This reflection time – is all the hope that a resolution could be. It allows you inroads to unearth the newest of beginnings – the deepest messages of your soul, that God and you get to discover together. 

So let’s take a reflection moment right now, by looking inward:

This week’s program included an insert with a prompt that said simply: “I am” followed by blank lines. Those present were encouraged to take creative/free license in filling in this prompt and fill the lines with identity, feelings, maladies, disappointments, or anything else. “I am— I am a pastor at Reservoir Church. I am a fabulous mom to 3 kids. I am thankful for… I am craving…” Feel free to consider this prompt on your own now.

I am __________________________________________________.

Part 1: Love of God

I wrote down a lot of things in that little “I am ______” moment.  

“I am a mom”…
“I am wandering”…
“I am full of dreams.”
“I am afraid of dreaming.”
“I am loved by God.”

To glisten is the effect of Jesus’ love hitting us squarely in the soul. Where all those deepest dreams and messages of who we are and who we can become live, and when hit with Jesus’ love they get stirred up like dust in a sun-beam. Visible where they once were not—hundreds of particles, swirling in the light: glistening.

And it’s exciting to see them hit the light of day, and it can also feel a little overwhelming as we try to form them in the midst of the “hard facts of our lives” (Thurman).

We’ve spent some time over the past 4 weeks looking at the dreams and nightmares of the various individuals that surround the birth narrative of Jesus.  Hopefully you’ve gotten a glimpse of how this is not just an ancient story-line, but one that enfolds your story too today. The dream for so many was that a Savior would come and flip the world as they knew it for the better—where this King to come would bust through ways that only seemed to offer dead-ends and the boundaries that only succeeded at keeping people on the margins of society, where amid strange and scary times there would be “newness”—a hope filled to the brim with kindness, humility and LOVE.

The deep, abiding LOVE of Jesus…

That keeps us upright in our contemporary world as we fumble and fail and struggle through our days sometimes.

This LOVE of Jesus is what I hope we can still dream for today.

Love that perhaps has lost its luster/its shine in our days—roughed up a bit as it scratches across the bumps and valleys of our harsh day, but one that when we can carve a moment of reflection, polishes quickly to a piercing light that glistens off of us, wherever we are, in the fullness of who we are, and energizes us with a never vanishing love for all the dead ends that we may need to bust through and the barriers and walls that we may need to dismantle in 2019.

I read the words of John Paul Lederach (Mennonite and author), who said this compelling thing about glistening as it relates to the Christmas story. He said that “Mary and Joseph glistened to the unexpected seed they carried toward the light of day”.

And it’s compelled me to ask myself:

How can I be like Mary and Joseph?  How can I carry all that is within me: the unexpected, the unknown, the messy, and expose it to the light of each day—to glisten?  How do I keep glistening?

As we’ve followed the story of Mary and Joseph over the stretch of this Christmas season, we can see that it was their love for this unborn, mysterious Jesus.  

It was their love that wasn’t even fully formed, but fully open to discovery.  It allowed them to be risky, to move in the midst of threat, to be guided by stars and angels, and songs and poems—breaking through thresholds of social class and culture and refugee status to see their purpose and role in the great unveiling of the greatest of all loves: Jesus as important—pivotal and worthy.

Their glistening came from a deep knowing that would grow and overturn the systems of enslavement/guilt/judgement/darkness and usher in peace/freedom and light.

All because they glistened to the seed that was inside them.

A seed that we too have and carry today.

That we are invited to bring again and again to the light of our days.

Zechariah, one of these Christmas story voices, the long -awaited father to John the Baptist prophecy’s and says these words:

Through the heartfelt mercies of our God,

God’s Sunrise will break in upon us,

Shining on those in the darkness,

those sitting in the shadow of death,

Then showing us the way, one foot at a time,

down the path of peace. (MSG) Luke 1: 78 – 79

And this is the hope of this next reflection time right now—that you, to the degree that you have energy and presence to do so, will reflect and remember those moments of God breaking into your life with His radiant light—light that isn’t just “an alluring glow out at a distant horizon” or a “mirage,” but is a steady, constant promise of never-ceasing LOVE—the activator of all our dreams and the active ingredient that allows our multi-faceted selves to glisten.

Take a few minutes to reflect on the love of Jesus.

Part 2: The Joy of Living

I love that last line of the scripture we read together, of Zechariah’s words –

“(God will show us) the way, one foot at a time,

down the path of peace.”

It is such a counter-cultural way of navigating life right? One foot at a time. He seems to suggest a slower, more rooted cadence—one that rests in this trust of God, and one that promotes that the life you witness and experience where you stand is indeed valuable, worthy of taking in and being a part of.

We, though, are often conditioned to look at a year ahead of us and answer: What are your goals for the year?  What will you have accomplished by the end of Quarter 2? What are you striving toward?

How much of what you accomplish in your days do you measure by your feet? How much of your work goals? Or your homework? Or your instrument practice?

Not much I’d guess! We measure in time right?  Hours, minutes, seconds…. ((how much can we get done, in how little time – go!)

Zechariah, though, in his moment gives us a different measurement for finding peace and—I believe—joy, in our living:  by our own feet.

To look at the vastness of the year ahead and make an action plan and put dreams into motion is not by any means “bad.”   

But the components of those plans and dreams are found by the life we stand in right at our feet: Where we work, play and live—being present to the life that surrounds us, and trusting that God will each step of the way illuminate what it is we should put our energy and goals and dreams and attention toward. And the effect of this is how we catch the glistening all around us: the beauty and the sorrow, the light and the darkness.

How many of you have seen something glisten?

Sun as it shimmers on snow?

Cheeks when tears slide down them?

Moonbeams as they hit the ripples of water….?

Moist rocks on a beach, when the sun hits them?

My guess is that for most of us to witness and behold these moments, we were standing and watching, with close proximity.  We leaned in, to the person with tears, we were sliding our own feet over the glistening rocks on the beach. We were present to the glistening. We might feel joy and amazement and wonder.

Maybe this is what Zechariah, after months of being silent as he waited for the birth of his child, hopes for us to still hear today: to stand in our life fully, whatever it may offer us, presents opportunities to glisten and receive joy from God.

And maybe it’s just worth reflecting on this a bit: The joy of living.  

You’ll find this next reflection moment in your packet. Take some time to think about these prompts and questions.  As before, don’t feel pressure to fully answer all of them. Take freedom to stay with one train of thought or just enjoy silence and stillness.

Part 3: The Gift of Community

This past year I’ve felt that tick of time more than ever. The swiftness of it! With my oldest in high school, I’m realizing that it’s just 3 years and 7 months, and 4 days… give or take… that she’ll be out of our house (likely).   

And so these words of being present and guided by God “one foot at a time” have felt powerful and kept my eyes more widely open to the moments where connection can come with her, but also connection in the communities that her activities draw me in to.  

Her swim coach pitched to me over the summer that I should become the team’s “Volunteer Coordinator”.  Which means that for any home meet that we throw, I’d be responsible for getting parents to volunteer for all the roles that are needed to successfully run the meet.

Every single person, including my daughter, who heard this proposal said “don’t do it” Flat out: “this is a very, very bad idea”.

I said, “yes.”

And the months that have unfolded since then have been full of glistening. I’ve had conversations on swim decks where this Coach will come up to me and say, “OK – I’m having a crisis of faith. Here are all the people that I know that are suffering, dying, have died, are in the hospital… and they are all my age”

And for the most part I’m listening and saying “gosh, I don’t know.”

But I’m realizing that this is what allows for glistening to happen: to be stunned in the midst of messiness,the light and the wet and the tears and the soppiness of life, by the beauty of connection, of unexpectedness that is formed in the midst of it all.

And what a gift it is…

…to find one another in the most unexpected places and realize that we can refract light off of each other, that we not only get to be witnesses of this glistening, but we are also an essential part of the whole process! We cast light and refract light as well.

John Paul Lederach says:

“To glisten: To be present with others in ways that help them shine into their deepest color, purpose, and wisdom.”

And this swim coach, by being her truly unfiltered self—exposing all her deepest messages of her soulat not a pre-determined time, or place—has helped me shine into my deepest color, purpose and wisdom. 

And so I wonder for you today what the gift of community looks like. Take a few minutes to look at the prompts and questions in your reflection packet now.

Conclusion

2018 has been a host of adventures, and 2019 will bring a lot more adventures, no doubt. At times this past year I’ve been drenched in tears: with sorrow and heartache as I watch division and violence and sickness ravage my close radius of life, and beyond my reach—tears of disappointment in myself, tears of fear, of failure or letting people down… AND

Tears of joy, as I see friends discover more of themselves and their own cadence of “one foot in front of another,” as I see my kids navigate their own new beginnings and discover themselves and their place in this world…

Tears of sweat of work and efforts of health, and the exertion and sheer energy it takes to do this life.

And yet, I’m coming to see that this is the ripest of conditions for glistening: without soppiness, it’s hard to glisten. And so I’ll try to not dry myself off and worry about staying presentable, but I’ll try instead to stay connected to God and others, in all that I am and TO all that God is.   

John Paul Lederach says:

That the presence of the Divine among us seems to follow simple guideposts… acceptance and equality are incarnated through the fundamental commitment that the sun and rain are offered to all. No exceptions

Rain has this intriguing quality. Droplets fall as individuated little spheres. Once splashed, however, rain spreads, melds, and flows. When mixed with the sudden appearance of the sun, it makes everything shine.

Rain glistens to everything.

God is offered to all.  No exceptions.

God glistens to everyone.  

And Genesis says:

14 God said, “Let there be lights in the dome of the sky to separate the day from the night. They will mark events, sacred seasons, days, and years. 15 They will be lights in the dome of the sky to shine on the earth.” And that’s what happened. 16 God made the stars and two great lights: the larger light to rule over the day and the smaller light to rule over the night. 17 God put them in the dome of the sky to shine on the earth, 18 to rule over the day and over the night, and to separate the light from the darkness. God saw how good it was.

There’s always light, offered to all.

God made two great lights. For the day and for the night.

There’s rain, offered to all.

There’s always the potential to glisten.

There is evening and there is morning—there is both, filled with light.

There is your day right now, filled with light, and there is your day tomorrow, and there are 365 days upon you in 2019—a landscape of glistening potential ahead of you.

In this year my friends, may you know that you are worthy of glistening.  In all that you named yourself to be at the beginning of the service. All of it. All of who you are is loved.  You are indeed the object of God’s desire, where His light can refract and spread in abundance to all those around you.  Yes, the dark spots you hope to hide and the spots out for all to see. The smooth surfaces, and the surfaces that hold the characteristic bumps and holes of life. .

May you know this as you enter 2019.

In Jesus’ holy, glistening, name.

Amen.

This summer we have been  preaching out of sort of what might seem like a  grab bag of scriptures, but it’s what many Christian traditions call the Lectionary – an assigned assortment of readings for each day – which in many schedules helps you read through the Bible in a year.  

It’s been challenging and really fun for me to come to the written words of God through a slightly different angle than is the norm for me – through the lectionary. I often feel inspired by something I’ve taken in throughout my week, in the world around me – whether it’s a song, or a poem, a conversation with someone or some beautiful mural on the way to work  – and I often use the organic process of “Living” as the fodder for most of my sermons, wihch means I’m often coming at scripture with a little bit of an agenda, right? I often really try to match a scripture to what has felt most poignant in the days prior to preaching.

However, it’s felt really fun to see God pop out of these sort of “assigned” scriptures and do His own “matching” – where I don’t have to come with a framework or agenda to cram Him into, and that’s felt really lively and rich for me – to find the layers of scripture as alive and pulsing and God doing His great work of speaking so provokingly to exactly where I am and where I’m hearing many of you are too.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve been in a few conversations with folks very close to me who have been wrestling quite deeply with a sense of inadequacy.  And how they feel that their inadequacy has been birthed out of moments of failure – in relationships, at work, in parenting, in meetings, in keeping themselves healthy.

As I listen to these stories – I often treat them as isolated events/moments – that someone has to get through – “yup that didn’t go as planned – but here’s how we can think about moving on, what’s the lesson here”.  But what I’m finally patient enough to hear is that there’s something going on that’s deeper, that this sense of failure is actually taking up residence inside the person.

We all rumble with failure, right? I mean we make hundreds of judgement calls a day –  big and little decisions – whatever the spectrum – we are all bound to fail, but the feeling that people are really talking about when they are talking about an instance where they failed – is a sneakier message – and a deeper feeling that sets up within themselves – that they themselves are failures.

When we dip in and out of this belief – that we ourselves are failed human beings – I believe that failure does it’s fine work of acting like velcro, and very quickly attaching a host of yucky things to it – the hair and the dirt and the debri of the floor. Where shame and isolation start to intertwine – into our sense of self.  And it shifts our belief about ourselves and what we are worthy of – how we interact with others and with God. And instead of seeing ourselves as receptacles of love, we believe we are not deserving of such great goodness or abundant love.

And this is something I think Jesus pays attention to – and has a lot to say about!

Vote For Poison Ivy!

My first – big failure that I can remember- came when I ran for Governor – just after my Junior year in High school.

I was selected to go this summer leadership and citizenship program – called Girls State.  So one or 2 girls are selected from each high school in the State and they all gather at a college for a week  of the summer – and they set up this government simulation.

As part of the simulation delegates all these girls from across the state, role-play election campaigns and participate in elections for local, county and state government.

At the end of the week, 2 girls (most likely Governor and Lt. Governor), are selected to go to Girl’s Nation which is in Washington DC. And as you can imagine, if you were elected as Governor and then went on to Girl’s Nation, it might look pretty good on your college applications. And so I was interested and motivated by this.

I decided I would run for the top slotted official –  Governor.

I’m pretty sure I had no idea what running for governor looked like (I think it was like running for HS class office or something – where I just put my name on a ballot). But I quickly found out that it meant creating a campaign to run on with a campaign slogan – complete with posters and talking to lots of people and doing a “talent” the night of the election, and giving a speech.

And I was all in – really – I put 100% into crafting this Campaign of mine.

So I stayed up late in the dorm, alone, wondering “what does a campaign slogan even look like?  What can I put out there that is catchy or memorable in a really short amount of time?”

And I remember thinking “Aha!! I’ve got it!” And I came up with this brilliant campaign slogan and pounded out some posters to go up around campus:

The next day people were greeted with this incredible campaign slogan –
“CATCH THE RASH, it’s CONTAGIOUS!” Vote for (poison) Ivy!”

“Catch the rash”

Complete with posters that had drawings of people, smiling – with red, dotted rashes on their arms and face.  

There it was – all of me, my brilliant ideas out there for representatives from all over the state of Maine to see and likely remember… for a really long time.  

And the shining moments kept going, really, with my election speech – which I had framed as a montage of all of Madonna’s top songs at the time:

“Vogue”, “Material Girl”, “Like a Prayer”, “Papa Don’t Preach”

(it was beautiful really – the weaving that I did.)

Who knew that this campaign slogan would no find me the newly elected governor of girl’s state?!?

I lost the race.

And even though it is very obvious now – that all of that would not result in me succeeding at this race, I was devastated. It had never crossed my mind in that whole process that I would lose!

I had been really all in – super owning it – and then the “vulnerability hangover” came pretty quickly (Brene Brown reference): “oh my gosh, I can’t believe I just made posters with people’s bodies and rashes all over them” – and that was just doubly devastating.

I cried and cried and cried and cried because I had failed.

And even in the midst of that I knew that somehow the depth of disappointment wasn’t just about failing the race – but a sense that I was a failure and that I wasn’t enough, which was speaking more about how I felt about real life and not about this mock government environment.

It’s with this lens of failure that I want to read this well known passage that we have for our reading today in the gospel of John. Now all of the gospels tell this story – the feeding of the 5,000 – so perhaps it’s something worth mining today.

John 6:1-21 (NIV)

⁶ Some time after this, Jesus crossed to the far shore of the Sea of Galilee (that is, the Sea of Tiberias), ² and a great crowd of people followed him because they saw the signs he had performed by healing the sick. ³ Then Jesus went up on a mountainside and sat down with his disciples. ⁴ The Jewish Passover Festival was near.

⁵ When Jesus looked up and saw a great crowd coming toward him, he said to Philip, “Where shall we buy bread for these people to eat?” ⁶ He asked this only to test him, for he already had in mind what he was going to do.

⁷ Philip answered him, “It would take more than half a year’s wages to buy enough bread for each one to have a bite!”

⁸ Another of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter’s brother, spoke up, ⁹ “Here is a boy with five small barley loaves and two small fish, but how far will they go among so many?”

¹⁰ Jesus said, “Have the people sit down, There was plenty of grass in that place, and they sat down (about five thousand men were there).  ¹¹ Jesus then took the loaves, gave thanks, and distributed to those who were seated as much as they wanted. He did the same with the fish.

¹² When they had all had enough to eat, he said to his disciples, “Gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.” ¹³ So they gathered them and filled twelve baskets with the pieces of the five barley loaves left over by those who had eaten.

¹⁴ After the people saw the sign Jesus performed, they began to say, “Surely this is the Prophet who is to come into the world.” ¹⁵ Jesus, knowing that they intended to come and make him king by force, withdrew again to a mountain by himself.

¹⁶ When evening came, his disciples went down to the lake, ¹⁷ where they got into a boat and set off across the lake for Capernaum. By now it was dark, and Jesus had not yet joined them. ¹⁸ A strong wind was blowing and the waters grew rough. ¹⁹ When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus approaching the boat, walking on the water; and they were frightened. ²⁰ But he said to them, “It is I; don’t be afraid.  I am with you.” ²¹ Then they were willing to take him into the boat, and in the gospel of Matthew , it says they said out loud, “He is the Son of God” – and immediately the boat reached the shore where they were heading.

There are so many layers here! This scripture and this miracle has been taught and preached on so many times.

A miracle happens here – and it’s not just the multiplication of a scarce amount of resources that Jesus performs to feed the crowd of over 5,000 people. If we can think of a miracle as a highly extraordinary event that involves wonder and mystery and that brings very welcomed consequences, then I think includes a moment here that we’ll unpack today.

So we enter this text where the disciples and Jesus have been just slogging it out in the fields of ministry they’ve been busy healing people and feeding folks and teaching as much as they can.  And what these disciples want most, I think, is to rest. To have some time with Jesus up on this mountainside in this remote place and connect with him.

Except of course the crowds follow them, and as soon as they stepped off their boat there are people waiting there for them.

The work continues, much like in our lives – right? Your research for that project is never ending –  it will take a few more 70 hour weeks – your kid still isn’t sleeping through the night and he’s 7, the fight in your partnership is still live and the  way out is not apparent.

And you realize you are really freaking tired and kind of grumpy. And your reserves and your resources are completely shot. And any other request or demand presented to you – can only be seen in your eyes as an opportunity for failure.  “I don’t have enough – this is just going to go badly and fail”.

Jesus’ “Test”

This is how I think the disciples feel in this setting. It looks like their day and their work is still to go on. Jesus seems to solidify this by asking Philip – “Hey do you know where we can buy some bread?”

A trick question? A rhetorical question?  A ridiculous question? Perhaps… all of the above!

What we do know is that it’s a  test question! Jesus asks this to test Philip, knowing full well how Philip will respond.  

Why does Jesus – in the midst of all of this – decide to test Philip and on what?

• His knowledge of the bread suppliers in the area?
• Does he want to expose the deficiency of his faith?
• His inadequacy as a true believer in Jesus?
• His lack of trust in Jesus as the giver of all sustenance?
• His inability to be ready for any situation as a follower of Jesus?

These are all certainly viable thoughts, but I tend to think – at least through the lens of Jesus that I know – that he’s not particularly interested in testing Philips on these grounds.

Infact, I don’t really think Jesus is a fan of tests. Certainly not the kind of test that only reinforces our inclination toward a sense of failure.  Or where our worthiness of Jesus’ attention and love relies on our success at every turn.

I think perhaps this “test” question of Jesus’ is more a litmus test of how much real relationship is evident between them – how much vulnerability there is between Jesus and Philip.  

Jesus knows that this question is going to get Philip to a very raw space where the “nothingness” of resources will be abundantly apparent: “Nope – no access to bread makers – nope! – No money – even if there was bread to buy,” and lastly, “nope! I’m not even a good follower of you Jesus,because I want all these people to just go away – they should go find their own food – send them away!” (another gospel reveals this posture).  And perhaps the internal wonder of Philip’s is “am I even then – a good follower of you, Jesus?”

Perhaps this test question is aimed to reveal more of what work Jesus might have to do –  versus the work that he expects of Philip. It’s less about whether Philip has deficiency or failings and more about how much landscape Jesus has to move around and reinforce this truth that he will love and care and be with Philip no matter what.

And he gets some results as he asks this question to Philip, right? “Where can we buy bread?”  Philip doesn’t say, “You know what Jesus, I’m just feeling really inadequate here, I’m feeling really guilty that we didn’t come prepared to feed these people – and I’m feeling a lot of shame around that…”  This vulnerability could have been what Jesus was looking for in their dialogue, but didn’t get.

And so he has data in Phillip’s more logical response – “we don’t have enough money” – which let’s him know that he should spend some more time working with Philip and the disciples.  So he says “YOU then go and see what you can find,” and they roam the crowds, perhaps feeling crappier about themselves at every turn. I mean they only came out with 5 loaves and 2 fishes  (out of 5,000 people!) – my sense is they might have given up at some point. That the mission of finding enough food to feed all these people, would fail – that was abundantly clear – and yet I wonder as they walked through these crowds – if their own sense of being a failure rose?

I’m quite certain that Jesus already knows that if there’s one thing that we are successful at as human beings it’s naming the places that we feel like we are terrible, inadequate and a failure.

Coming to Jesus with open/honest/raw answers from exactly where we are at – whether it’s “I don’t get it,” “this is overwhelming,”  “I want to change the subject,” etc. – I think is what he’s hoping for to break the cycle for us and for these disciples feeling like failures, because by extension with Jesus we start to regard him as a test to either pass or fail.  Vulnerability seems to suck the weight and power that failure wants to take up in our bodies.

**Work places and companies and the medical world are catching on to this key of vulnerability, and are trying to shift the culture of Failure.  Failure as you can imagine occurs in all of these places on a regular basis – there are hiring and budgeting mistakes, and shipments arrive late, diagnoses are missed, organizations allow their missions to drift,  but failure – even though it’s perhaps the largest commonality – is often hidden. Fear of donor reaction is one big reason- but on the elemental level – no one wants to admit failure.

However, efforts to de-stigmatize failure have been at work for awhile – events like Fail Festivals are being held in the international non-profit development world solely to celebrate failure as markers of leadership, innovation, and risk-taking (which all feel like pretty wonderful parts of following Jesus as well) and innovation and creativity and risk-taking all begin with vulnerability.  

Engineers Without Borders publishes a “failure report” every year alongside its annual report.  

Brian Goldman is a MD at Mt. Sinai hospital has a radio show where over the past few years he invites and asks the doctors he has on the program, “What is the worst mistake you’ve ever made?” And it takes a little while for people to get into a space of vulnerability – these failings where there have been consequences of pain and hurt.

These efforts are intentional to bring out of hiding the shame and isolation that people experience with failure, as a way to not only be vulnerable for the sake of revealing a hard story – but vulnerability for the sake of connection – and this being what Jesus hopes most for us too – to stay connected to ourselves, to each other and to him as our whole selves.

Jesus isn’t concerned with whether we fail or not – that’s not the test – the test is whether we can continue to see our whole selves – failings and all – worthy of his love. It’s this turning of culture even with how we relate to him – that he’s not a test to pass or fail – that much like these companies that come together to share of their short-comings, we too need to come fully into the arena with Jesus, from an authentic, fully human posture.

I think this is why Jesus’ miracle doesn’t end when the feeding of the 5,000 is over.  He’s not done with the disciples, right ? He says “Go! gather the pieces that are left over. Let nothing be wasted.”  The miracle is how Jesus with such intention cares for the fragments after the feast.

These fragments are important to us in this conversation of failure. Because they are symbolic of the ways the disciples were breaking off parts of themselves as they felt like failures. Parts of themselves that they came in touch with as they walked through the crowds earlier scouring for food, pieces that they felt shame about perhaps: “I don’t get what Jesus is doing? – I don’t get this ministry teaching at all! – I’m such a failure – I can’t find any food -What is wrong with me?! – I just want to lay down – I’m so tired – I’m so lazy.” Whatever the internal thoughts were – they were succeeding in separating, breaking parts of themselves off.

And Jesus says: go back out there and pick them up!  What are you doing? These fragments are valuable pieces!  Do not throw them away as waste.

It’s such a slippery slide when we start to see ourselves as failures and start to see Jesus as a test that we need the right answer to all the time. It sets up this belief that we are too broken, too fragmented,  so unworthy of Jesus’ love.

But looking at these pieces that we want to discard – is the course correct back to Jesus.

There were 12 baskets of bread leftover – each of the disciples carried their own basket of overflow.  

Jesus I think says, “Know this love I have for you – carry it close to you.”

I had thought that my moment at Girl’s State was my biggest failure, but really I had had lots of moments of failure up to that point that I had never talked about, but felt very deeply. And it had set up a posture of approaching life for me that made me feel like I had to hustle for my self-worth. And so I overcompensate with going big a lot to prove that I could pass the test, that I could be enough.

Jesus invites us to see ourselves as whole through his eyes. This is the “success,” if we are going to talk on terms of success or failure.  To see ourselves as He sees us, to gather ourselves up like baskets, where not one part of us – not even the parts that we see as failure that we want to hide – goes to waste or is lost.

You’re Worth It To Jesus

It’s so moving to me – this picture of how much Jesus cares about the disciples and how intent he is at delivering this message.

At the end of this very eventful day Jesus has got to be spent, right? He’s grieving the death of John the Baptist, he’s taught, he’s fed 5000 people, he’s hiked a mountain to pray.

And yet he doesn’t get out his checklist to keep a running tab of where they made the mark or missed it. He doesn’t take out a checklist to see where they failed or succeeded.

No – he, at the end of a long day – no matter how that day unfolded – he wants them to know He loves them.

And he’s demonstrative in that love:

He runs across water through a storm to get to them.

He quiets the wind.

He says “don’t be afraid” – you are worth it.

He says “don’t be afraid” – you aren’t a failure.

I am with you and I want to be with you.

You are enough.

and

You’ve done enough.

And this too – is every day with you and Jesus. This is how he promises to wrap every day with you.

Many people say that what failure is, actually, is to learn nothing from our times of failure. And so if there’s anything to learn, perhaps it’s that Jesus loves you endlessly – like five thousand times what you could see in yourself, with 12 baskets overflowing!

This is important because He wants us to believe in ourselves – to believe that we are worthy of that kind of reckless love that doesn’t pause and turn it’s nose at the thousands of moments in our weeks where we fail, and doesn’t demand that we pass a test to be given the keys to the kin-dom. No, it’s the kind of love that runs on impassable seas – with what feels like miles of expanse between you – and closes the gap in the blink of an eye.  

This is salvation to us. This is being born again, and again, and again to the moments between each other, where Jesus invites us to sit on the grass with each other and dig into our big baskets – and say well here’s all the ways I feel crappy about myself today, and here’s what I have to offer. “Altoids and some floss” and your person says “Oh that’s just what I needed, I’ve had this popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth all day.” The fragments offered as a part of the whole, this is the ongoing miracle – to vulnerably share with another where we feel shame and still believe that we are enough.

The Shame of Inadequacy

I’ve been talking with a dear friend of mine lately who I’ve known since the age of 3.  And over the years we’ve revisited this conversation of “am I worthy of love?” or “am I a failure”? 

From very early on he took in a message that he was too “small” – both in sheer physicality and in terms of adequacy. And patterns over the years have looked like him finding a way to build himself up – to compensate for this smallness of himself that he saw.  Along the way he’s thrown away pieces of himself that he thought no one could ever love….
It’s been a challenging conversation over the years – because the consequences of this belief that HE’s not enough – that He IS a failure…. have played out in very painful ways.  Ways that look like loss of relationship, jobs, addictive tendencies, jeopardized health – … but even more a continued loss of his own self-worth.

Recently he said “I feel like such a bum – sitting on this couch shivering and sweating and tremoring” – the results of withdrawal from a drug he’d become physically dependant on … I can’t pay my bills, I can’t work – I can’t be there for people I care about – I’m a failure.

I felt Jesus well up in me – and this passage – “Oh no, no, no, – guilt and shame are as toxic a combination – as a benzo and alcohol” – and that is not going to help you right now!”

Go,  gather up all the pieces…That little piece of you – that’s been smashed, rejected, stomped on – throw that in the basket – we don’t want to waste that. And that little piece too – that others have bitten and chewed on – and spat back out again” – “yah  – we want that…

Throw that into the big basket of Jesus — that’s lined with LOVE THAT CANNOT FAIL.

THe abundance of our worth, as seen through the eyes of GOD –  will persist even with fragments…. There’s still a feast that Jesus wants and values… It’s a game -changer –  to believe that in despite of your fragmented self ….. where failure has torn you up – you are enough.

This is the work of only Jesus – this is the miraculous move – full of wonder and mystery – where the consequences are welcomed – BECAUSE this is where hearts are changed and transformed – where we see ourselves as whole and not scattered pieces of ourselves… THis is what Jesus showed the disciples – and me at Girls’ state – and my dear friend going through withdrawals on a couch, alone – I made you for the very work of love,  believe this! STOP! Saying you are not worthy of such goodness – it is the very thing I made you for!

“Where shall we buy bread?” Is not a question that tests our faithfulness to God – it’s a question that tests how ready we are to see, and  break open and share and multiply our loveliness with God – and this whole world.

When Failure Comes ‘Round – What are some practical things to try in the midst to still keep Jesus in your sights?:

1.  Fail out loud and fail forward.
2. Consider that failure could be a rite of passage to more of Jesus.
3. Ask Jesus for help – to not give failure the power and weight it wants.
4. Course correct with Jesus and friends who can be your mirror.

TO believe that Jesus sees the whole – not just the broken pieces….  AND for us to see this – we need each other. We need people who can mirror back to us  – the good of who we are made to be and believed to be by Jesus. Again and again I say to my friend, “Oh brother, you are so worthy of love – your are better than you believe – and gosh, I love you for who you really are”…

The poet, David Whyte has a poem that ends by saying, “This is the time of loaves and fishes.  People are hungry and one good word is bread for a thousand.”